


Let Me Go

by funkyziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Engaged Ziam, Heavy Angst, Liam POV, Love, M/M, Post-Zayn One Direction, Zayn POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-04-25 05:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4947889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkyziam/pseuds/funkyziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Zayn leaves One Direction, the pressure of keeping his relationship with Liam steady gets to be too much. So he breaks Liam's heart right along with his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good-bye

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm sorry. This idea had kind of been kicking around in my head and wouldn't leave me be. I think this may end up being a multi chaptered fic because I can't bear to leave Liam and Zayn like this but let's see where it goes.

Zayn was curled up on the window seat in their bedroom watching the clouds roll in the fall sky. There was a crisp chill in the air but whether it was due to the changing seasons or the thoughts swirling in his mind, he couldn't tell. Zayn glanced at the framed photos scattered around the nightstand, the matching writer's journals on the bookshelf and the gold band he had discarded on their bed. An ache settled in his chest. How in the hell was he going to get through this and leave this all behind? He calmed himself and took a deep breath as he heard the front door shut and the sound of Liam's boots thudding in the hall downstairs. "Babe, you up here?" Liam called out as he climbed the stairs and walked toward their room. This is it, Zayn thought. Here we go. This is gonna fucking hurt. And break Liam's heart right into pieces, along with his own. But he still couldn't stop himself from doing it. "Yeah, in here Liam." Zayn turned and faced the door as Liam walked in and flicked on the light. "Are you feeling okay Zee? Why are you sitting in the dark?" Liam asked with a worried tone as he leaned in for a kiss. "No, Liam. We have to talk." Zayn spoke softly and avoided the kiss, along with those beautiful brown eyes, as he placed a firm hand on Liam's chest. Fuck, how he wanted to let Liam's soft, warm lips cover his, one last time. A memory to hold onto and carry with him once he's gone. But he'd lose the resolve to do this if he allowed Liam to touch him like that. "What could be so important that it keeps me from kissing you because I can't think of a single thing.." Liam starts giggling. And Zayn has to stop that-he can't hear that now. "It's over Li-Liam," Zayn's voice breaks on his name.

 "What's over Zee? " Liam questions as he sits down next to Zayn. "Oh, my break. Yeah. I know I've been dreading leaving you too babe and going back on the road. But you promised you'd fly out and meet me this time. And after this leg-that's it-for who knows how long and.." The rest of his words are cut off by Zayn who scoots as far away from Liam as he can and says lowly, "No, Liam. Listen to me. Not your break.This"-he waves his arm around the room filled with their memories, proof that they had loved and had been happy for awhile-to demonstrate. "This. Us, Liam. Me and you. I'm done. It's over. " Zayn puts his head down and closes his eyes, while he allows that to sink in for Liam. Will he believe him? "Um, okay. I think I better check your temperature babe or call the lads because you must have a fever and you sure as hell aren't making any sense," Liam tries with a tight smile, sliding towards Zayn and reaching for him. Zayn pulls away again and watches as Liam's gaze falls on the ring laying carelessly on their bed. Zayn's engagement ring that matches Liam's. The one he hasn't taken off since Liam gave it to him. "What's this, then?" Liam asks as he walks over and picks the ring up, rolling it around in his palms. "You finally decided you wanted an upgrade, something fancier now that you're gonna be a proper solo star? Christ Zayn. You leave the band and become a right diva. Told ya we'd get you something different, but we weren't replacing this, " Liam laughs nervously. "Why would you just take it off then?" He's fighting it Zayn thinks, but Liam knows. He knows something isn't right. Liam's eyes follow Zayn's to the backpack and duffel set with the engraved letters ZJM on it, packed to the brim and leaning against their closet door. The Louis Vuitton luggage set had been a Christmas gift from Liam last year, to encourage Zayn to meet him on tour more often and come prepared because he had always been so shit at planning and packing. Fucking expensive but thoughtful gift. Zayn would just as soon carry his old beat up back pack but Liam insisted Zayn needed something fancier and sturdier. The sight of it turns his stomach a bit now. Liam hadn't meant it for this kind of trip. "Zayn, baby. Look at me." Liam demands. "I don't have to go back for another two days and I thought we agreed you'd go see your family after I left. So why are you packed already? You're the absolute worst at..."

This time Zayn's voice is louder but shakier. "Li, Liam. I told you. It's over. I'm leaving. Tonight-leaving you. Leaving here. I just-I can't do this anymore, jaa-" his voice falters before he can get the familiar endearing name out. It feels so heavy on his tongue now, almost like poison. Zayn's breath hitches as he sees Liam's eyes widen with fear and his cheeks flush red as he finally takes it all in. The discarded ring, the packed bags, his words. Fuck, those honey brown eyes that light up every time Zayn looks at him are glistening with tears now. They'd never look at him the same after this. Would Liam ever forgive him? Would he forgive himself?  
     

You're serious? You can't do this! The fuck is going on Zayn? " Liam spits out as he grabs the smaller man's wrist firmly but still with care and pulls him closer. "Are you drunk, fucking high or just sick out of your god dammed mind? Because I can't think of any reason that makes sense of what you're saying! This can't be right. If this is about how hard it's been lately while I was touring, I'll do better. I fucking promise I won't shed a tear on stage, won't call late at night and be a sod who's missing you. I won't do anything that makes you feel guilty for leaving" Liam's voice is getting higher and shakier and Christ Zayn can't listen to Liam do this to himself. Can't hear him make promises he knows he can't keep. Zayn's doing this for Liam, after all. He knows he hurt him terribly when he left but he never meant to. He just needed to slow down the chaos for awhile and chase his dream in a different way. He hadn't truly left Liam then. And Liam had been supportive, even if it damn near killed him. "Liam, just stop. It's not that, really." Zayn answers as he twists his arm away from Liam. His touch feels like it's burning Zayn's skin and fuck he can't be this close to Liam and still walk away. But he has to.

"It's that and so much more. I hear the longing in your voice when you're away. I see how much it hurts you that I'm not there on stage with you anymore and I just can't do it. I don't want to be a distraction from you doing what you love, what you were born to do. You're always looking back for me and that's not good for you, that's not OK." Zayn sighs as he realizes how long he's been holding that in. Liam never made him feel guilty for leaving the band but he did. God, he did. If only for Liam. "Zayn, we're engaged. You can't just leave me now. I love you so fucking much and I know you love me too. And we're happy, right? I thought we were happy. Aside from spending so much time apart, but that's gonna change soon and I know it'll be easier. I admit, I was honestly worried for awhile after you left the band but we pulled through that. Stronger than before, and Zayn if we made it through that.. " Liam tries to reason with Zayn. "Are you doing this because you have to spend more time in LA, working on your album, because I already told you. I don't care. We'll make it work, have 2 home bases, just fucking move there, whatever it takes. Just please babe. Don't go. Hold on until..." "Liam, I can't hold on any longer. I've tried and it's too damn hard. I feel like...like...we're being pulled in different directions and if we don't let go on our own...it will ruin us both. " Zayn is crying now and he can't stop the flow of tears but he needs to keep going, to make Liam see. "We'll just weigh each other down and right now we're both on the verge of big changes. I have to prove myself, by myself-to the world- and show them who I really am, outside of One Direction. And when you start the hiatus, god Liam, you have so many choices in front of you. You can do whatever you want. Go solo, run a fucking ace production company with all the songs you've written and mixed-whatever you want it's yours. You don't need me complicating things," Zayn swallows to clear the lump in his throat and looks up at Liam. "We'll both be so busy and you know what that distance feels like. It won't work. Constantly managing London and LA time. Long hours in the studio. We both need to be-just free."

Liam shakes his head at Zayn. "Whatever I want, Zayn? Because I only want you. I can leave the rest. All of it. This is such bullshit, Zayn. If we're over and you're done, what was last night then? Surely, you remember last night- when you let me fuck you hard against the shower wall and leave my mark all over your pretty bronze skin? It was my name you whispered Zayn when you came undone. Over and over again. Mine. And then after that, when I laid you out on this bed right over here and made slow, sweet love to you like I couldn't get us close enough? You didn't seem done then. Was that too fucking complicated for you? Did that weigh you down?" Liam challenges Zayn with his every word and every heated memory as he steps closer and gets into Zayn's space. And Zayn thinks his damn legs might buckle right then or that he'll pass out because fuck last night was one for the books. The way Liam is looking at him now, urging him to remember every kiss, every touch. And the thought of never being like that again with Liam is just..it's too much. But here he is, making sure of it. "Because that's not complicated to me Zayn. It's fucking simple and it doesn't weigh me down a bit. It anchors me right here," Liam pulls Zayn's hand to his chest and traps it there so he can feel his heart just about hammering out of his chest. "It gets me through long plane flights and bullshit interviews and performances where my one person is still missing. It carries me through until I am home again, here next to you. And you say you wanna throw that away? Because it will ruin us? Why did you let me...What was last night then?" Liam demands again.

"Good bye Liam. That was me saying goodbye. Letting us go. Letting you go. " And fuck, Zayn thinks his chest is going to crack wide open at those words and from the whoosh of air he hears escape Liam's lips he knows his split apart too. "Goodbye?" Liam cries. "The way you touched me and the way you let me hold you and take care of you Zayn. That didn't feel like good bye. It didn't feel any different-no, it actually felt better than it had in a long time." And Zayn can see the weight of Liam's words registering in his own mind. See it clicking and see Liam realize why it had been so intense between them last night. "All along you knew? Every kiss, every time you grabbed my hair, every time you came apart under me, you were thinking about this?! You fucking knew this was coming the whole night? And you didn't say a word or stop me?" Liam runs his hands roughly through his hair and hangs his head. The silence between them is deafening until Liam finally looks at Zayn. And when he does, god, Zayn knows. He sees the sadness and disbelief in Liam's eyes shift to anger. And he sees Liam swallow back his tears. He's done it. Liam will never forgive him. Not now. Not after admitting that while Liam was holding on to him tighter than ever and making promises for their future, Zayn was letting him go. Liam would never get over that dishonesty clouding their most private moments. They were nothing, if not honest. He readies himself for what he's sure is coming next. He stands up and reaches out to touch Liam one last time but he doesn't get the chance. Deep down he knew he wouldn't. He did a stellar job after all of destroying them. And Zayn knows Liam inside and out. So trusting and loving completely but when he feels betrayed-

"What are you waiting for? Get out." Liam's voice is laced with hurt and anger but still soft as a whisper. When Zayn barely moves, Liam tries again and this time his voice makes Zayn jump, though he expects it. "I mean it. Get the fuck out NOW Zayn. Just go. LEAVE. And don't bother looking back. It's clear you're already gone." He deserves it, he knows he does but the words cut him to the fucking bone. Liam turns his back on Zayn and slumps to the floor. And as Zayn gathers his bags and walks down the stairs he doesn't think anything else can hurt him quite like that. Until he hears the glass shatter against their bedroom door and Liam's sobs drown out everything else in his head. His legs do give out this time and he falls to his knees as he realizes he was wrong. What the hell has he done?


	2. Something To Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam longs for Zayn to come back while Zayn struggles with doubt and regret over his choice. Both are looking for something to hold on to, to keep each other close.

Liam could still hear Zayn's words echoing in his head. " _Me and you Liam. I'm done. It's over_. _That was good bye_." He doesn't know how long he's been sitting here on their bedroom floor in the dark, but he's sure it's been awhile. Everytime he had tried to get up, the walls started spinning and his stomach threatened to toss his lunch violently onto the floor.

Zayn was gone. The only person he'd truly _loved_ had set fire to their life together and walked away.  All Liam wanted was for Zayn to come home and tell him it had all been a dream-no- a bloody nightmare. But as he glanced around their room, Liam saw that Zayn's bags were indeed gone. He had cleaned out his side of their shared bedroom closet, had taken his favorite books and photos from the shelves and his sketch pad was missing from its ever present spot on their bedside table. _Shit_. Zayn was seriously doing this.

Liam's eyes felt raw and dry from all the crying he'd done and his body still felt shaky. He had no desire to move or do anything else at all but he supposed he should just get up and get on with it. The moonlight shining through the window caught his eye and reflected on the broken shards of glass scattered in front of the bedroom door. _Oh yeah. That.Fuck._ Listening to Zayn walk away from him had left him furious, desperate, and aching all at once. He had wanted to do so much more than smash a useless glass against the door. But punching the wall or destroying what was left of their home together wouldn't have changed anything and with the tour starting up again soon, the last thing Liam needed was to get papped with a bruised, cut open or broken hand.

Liam scrubbed his hands over his face and let out a deep breath. Standing up and steadying himself on the bed, he carefully stepped around the broken glass to retrieve a broom and dustpan from the hallway closet. He made quick work of his mess and he thought to himself how he wished he could pick up the pieces of his broken relationship with Zayn as easily. He was torn away from the foolish thoughts in his head by his phone vibrating and ringing on the bedside table.

He really didn't want to talk to anyone right now but that was Trisha's ringtone. Zayn had chosen it for her and put it in Liam's phone himself. Their own _Little Things,_ because it was always her favorite and "Don't my two boys sound just lovely harmonizing together.." everytime they sang it for her. Liam started to smile at Zayn's sentimental choice but he caught himself because fuck that. He wasn't going to waste a happy thought on Zayn right now.

 _Had Zayn told her? Is that why she's calling now?_ Liam steeled himself and swiped open his phone to answer the call. "Mum, Trisha. Hello?" Mrs. Malik's warm, vibrant voice greeted him. "Oh Liam, love. I'm so glad you're there. I was just calling to see when you and that sweet boy of mine might be able to make it out here and pick up the little care package I've put together for you. Your favorite chocolate chip biscuits and tea, that flannel shirt of yours or Zayn's-I never really know who it belongs to," she laughs, "that you left here on your last visit and a new beanie from Waliyha, just to name a few things. Can't have my son-in-law heading out on the road again without a little piece of our love."

 _Oh god._ Liam feels like he wants to vomit again because she is so comforting and warm, just like her son. At least like he used to be. And he's going to lose her too. She doesn't know. She has no clue. Why does he have to be the one to do this? Zayn chose this, not him. He swallowed down the bile rising in his throat and spoke. 'Trish-Trisha, you really need to talk to Zee- to your son." There. That wasn't so bad. "Liam darling you know I always include something for Zayn in your package but it's really mostly for you. I swear I miss you almost as much as he-" and christ he can't let her finish that thought. He can't listen to that now, so he cuts her off. "Trisha, please. Please just stop. You really need to call Zayn. He left me. He broke up with me tonight-took off his ring, packed his bags and left. "

"Liam James Payne, that is not funny. Now you stop messing about and put Zayn on the phone or tell me when you two...." Liam knows she's stopped talking because she heard the crying he was fighting so hard to hold back. But fuck he couldn't help it. "Liam, you're crying. You're being-you're serious?. But, no. Zayn loves you-adores you."

"That's what I thought too but he's gone Trisha. He said he was done with us, that it was just going to be too hard to stay together and that we needed to be free. He told me goodbye and he meant it," Liam choked out. "Oh Liam honey, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what is going on that would lead Zayn to do this but I can hear how much you're hurting. And if I know my son, I know he's hurting too. Just please don't give up on him-not yet. If I were there I'd wrap my arms around you love. Oh my sunshine. My boys," Trisha sighs.

"We were happy, we really were. It was rough, being apart so much after Zayn left the band and all the chaos he had to deal with because of it- but god I thought we were good. I never imagined he felt this way, never dreamed I'd lose him." Liam cleared the scratchiness taking over his voice and swiped at his eyes. So many stupid tears.

"He loves you Liam. I know that. I love you. We love you and no matter what, that will never change. Remember that darling. I'm going to try and reach my son now. You take care and I will be in touch soon. I don't believe for a second that this is it for you and Zayn." Trisha's words felt like a promise to Liam that everything would be ok but he knew that wasn't her promise to make. "Bye, Trisha. Love you too." Liam switched his phone to silent and buried it in his bureau drawer. He was not having a conversation like that again tonight if he could help it.

Liam sunk onto his bed and buried his face in his hands. His conversation with Trisha kept playing back in his head, until it stuck on something important. The ring. Zayn's ring. Zayn had left it here and fuck he wanted it now. Maybe Zayn was willing to part with it and all it stood for but Liam wasn't. _He just wasn't._ Now where was it?

Liam grazed his hands over the entire surface of their bed, searching for the ring where Zayn had left it but his fingers came up empty every time. He clearly remembers the ring laying on top of their bed because it had been a shock to his system to realize Zayn had taken it off. He never did that. He pulled back the covers to see if it had somehow been discarded below. No sign of the shiny black and gold band. He checked under the bed, on their bookshelf and dresser and on their bedside table. On the floor, next to the closet. No ring. Where the fuck had it disappeared to?

Liam collapsed on the bed in defeat and buried his face in the covers. He grabbed Zayn's pillow and held it to his chest tightly as the tears started to fall again. His throat felt raw and he was sick of crying for Zayn. As he inhaled, the scent that enveloped him just about took his breath away. _Fucking hell._ Zayn's light cologne mixed with Liam's favorite bodywash, mingled together with the sweet, musky scent still lingering from their lovemaking last night. _God._ It was sweet, so sweet that he wanted to wrap himself in its sensation and drown in it forever. Memories of Zayn's slender fingers stroking him gently open and those delicious lips wrapping his cock up in wet warmth assaulted his senses. Visions of his own strong arms wrapping around Zayn's willing body and holding him so close he could barely breathe swirled in his head. The way Zayn arched his back, clung to Liam and moaned, "Fuck babe, so close" as they chased that high together, played vividly in his mind. Christ, he'd have to wash these sheets first thing tomorrow- that or burn them. Lying about in them made the ache in his chest a million times worse. He was so angry and hurt but most of all, he just missed Zayn. _He missed holding Zayn's hand while cuddling close on the sofa watching movies. He missed waking up to Zayn's soft lips in the hollow space below his earlobe, whispering sweet but filthy promises._ He longed to feel the warmth again that flushed his cheeks when he'd catch Zayn staring at him. He just missed having Zayn near.  _Right next to him._ He still just wants Zayn here.

How was he going to get through this? He and Zayn were supposed to build a life together- he thought they had already started. Liam rolls over on the bed in frustration and his brow furrows when something thick in his pocket crinkles and bunches up. As he reaches to see what the item is, it hits him.  _Shit. The tickets._

Liam takes the envelope from his pocket and he pulls the tickets out gingerly. Foolishly, he holds them like they're something fragile and precious and breakable, when he knows everything that mattered to him has already been broken. And they're only paper. But these were meant to be precious. Liam was going to surprise Zayn with them-two tickets for a stay at Raven's Nest villa on Peter Island, a favorite holiday spot of theirs. He wanted them to get away after the end of his tour with 1D. They only had to wait a month and a half and a precious piece of paradise, privacy and relaxation was theirs. Liam's mind wanders back to their last stay there and god what an amazing time it had been. Zayn had rolled his eyes spectacularly but rewarded him with the best blow job ever when Liam said he'd booked that villa because he had his very own raven haired beauty to romance there. Beautiful white sand beaches and turquoise water surrounding their private moments. Zayn, olive tanned skin scattered with tatts and low slung board shorts hanging on his hips, laid out on Liam's surfboard for his taking. And oh Liam had taken every beautiful part of him, relishing the way his touch made Zayn shiver and moan his name. "Liam. Jaan, that's so good. Always so good to me babe. " Kissing Zayn's belly and nipping at his thighs and the low, husky "Fuuccckkk" that he earned from Zayn as he wrapped his lips around his cock without warning. Sleeping until noon and then making love all day. Working on songs that would probably never see the light of day, over Zayn's favorite Asian dishes or Liam's own famous fajitas and a bottle of wine. Zayn sketching while Liam surfed and the heat that pooled in his stomach when Zayn tackled him in the sand and fucked him so good he swore he saw stars when he came. 

Christ. These fucking memories. So damn good but so sharp with _that's how it used to be_ he knows they're gonna leave marks on his heart.

But of course he never got to surprise Zayn because he had been blindsided as soon as he walked through the door. And he had been clueless. A fucking clueless idiot. Maybe he'd gift the tickets to his parents who deserved a romantic holiday or even Niall. Great golf and food at the resort. Though he didn't really like the thought of anyone else being at their villa, where so memories had been made, he certainly wasn't going to use them now-not without Zayn. 

Tomorrow Liam would worry about what to do with the tickets and he'd keep looking for Zayn's ring too. It must be here somewhere and he desperately wanted to find it. Wanted to feel the coolness of the metal on his skin and keep it close to his chest, as if that would keep him connected to Zayn, even now. The ring was just a token, a small piece really, of the expansive place Zayn had held in his heart-the part he still resided in. It was a reminder of when they had been strong, solid and just LiamandZayn. If Liam wasn't meant to keep Zayn, he should at least get to keep that. 

But now his body was limp with exhaustion and his heart heavy with longing for Zayn. He needed to rest. Liam stood up to switch off the light, stripped off his clothes, and nestled into the sheets. It wasn't long before he let sleep take him over and hazel golden eyes were haunting his dreams. 

**********************************************************************************************************************

Zayn felt lucky to have made it to the lodge safely, with all the tears he blinked back blurring his vision. He chose the Tilford Woods lodge because it was tranquil-and for fuck's sake he wanted to sulk in peace- but still close enough to his home with Liam. Or where his home had been. And despite the emotional distance that Zayn felt from Liam like a gaping hole in his chest, he still harbored the need to be physically near him. He doubted that would ever change.

He pulled into the back of the private drive and cut the engine. With a deep sigh he laid his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. Then he felt it and was reminded that perhaps not all was lost. The weight of the ring on the chain around his neck made it fall forward and swing to and fro. Zayn clasped it in his hand to steady it, briefly brought it to his lips and then held it to his chest. His engagement ring from Liam. Zayn had grabbed it off the bed and slipped it in his pocket on his way out of their bedroom door. Liam had slumped to the floor with his head down after shouting at him to get out, so he'd never seen Zayn take it. He wouldn't have to know.

Fuck, he was an asshole. A proper asshole. He had let Liam go, walked out on him and for what? Some stupid, misguided notion that it'd be better,easier for Liam-for them both-to be free of the things that tangled them together. It was just that it felt like there was always something coming for them-distance, hectic schedules that rarely coincided, stupid tabloid bullshit. And while some of it calmed once he left the band, some of it heightened. And Liam was always so goddamn sad when they were apart and he was miserable too. Missing Liam like he had lost a part of himself but still knowing he had to choose his own path. And when Zayn would watch clips of Liam and the boys on stage and see how broken Liam was in the beginning, it tore him up inside. With Liam on the verge of his first real break in a very long time, Zayn wanted him to have the freedom to explore whatever the hell he wanted to in the business. He _knows_ Liam could make an amazing solo album but he also thinks song writing and producing runs through his blood. And Zayn? He was so fucking excited to be working on music that came from his soul, to be recording music that was just who he was-finally. And to be putting together plans for a small solo tour? Christ, amazing-scary but amazing. And Zayn had thought how in the world would they manage to do all that separately but still be there-be everything-to each other. The thought of letting Liam down or eveything they'd built crumbling under the pressure made him sick. So he got scared and he bailed.

But now he thinks, none of that matters. What will standing on the stage by himself for the first time as the lights go down really mean? Will it feel the same when the one person who supports him the most won't be waiting in the wings? That smile like a ray of sunshine that warms Zayn up from the inside out when it's meant just for him. Yeah, he can't imagine any experience would be quite as sweet if that's missing. If Liam is missing. And fuck, Zayn can't think of a single person who'd be prouder of Liam if he succeeded on his own-than him. Liam would always belong to him in his heart and to watch him shine-that's at the top of Zayn's list. Right next to you Liam. He'd said that so long ago but he'd never meant anything more, except maybe when he said _yes._ Right next to Liam. That's how it should be.

When Zayn got scared, Liam was brave. He thought they could fight it-fight it all and stay strong. They were "fireproof" after all. Zayn bit his lip at that thought to stop both the half smile and tears that were welling up. Zayn had told Liam he was a cheesy bastard for always serenading him with those lyrics but he secretly loved the shit out of him for it and never could control the flutter in his belly every time Liam sang their song. He couldn't help snogging him senseless every time either. Zayn loved Liam so much. No-loves him still and always would. Liam believed they could get through anything and Zayn's pulse picks up when he remembers Liam begging him to just hold on a little longer. To just stay.

But Zayn had let him go instead-and regretted it instantly. Zayn wishes he had stopped himself anywhere between, "It's over Liam" and walking out the door. But he hadn't and now it didn't matter because Liam would never forgive him. He had hurt him too much. If the situation was reversed-fuck he can't even imagine it and wouldn't blame Liam for hating his guts right now.

Zayn twirled his engagement ring around in his fingers, and caressed it as if it could actually conjure up the feel of Liam's strong and sure hands placing it on his finger for the first time. He hadn't been surprised but was still overwhelmed at the emotion shining in Liam's eyes that day. Love, simple and undeniable. Zayn let all the memories and tears rushing in flow freely. Liam had trusted him with that beautiful heart of his and Zayn had foolishly set it free. But he still desperately needed to hold onto a piece of what they had once been. Because, honestly, they had been amazing. The best thing he had ever been a part of. So this ring-this little reminder of when they had been unbreakable-would have to be enough for now. It would have to be what Zayn clung to when missing Liam made his chest ache and when the memories of them making love and holding tight to each other as they both came undone threatened to drown him. This would have to keep him afloat. Zayn couldn't hold onto Liam but he'd hold onto this promise from him forever. The only thing better would be having his jaan back in his arms, but he couldn't imagine how on earth that would ever happen now.

After it felt like he couldn't possibly cry anymore, Zayn calmed himself and took a deep cleansing breath. As he gathered his things and got out of the car, he never saw the iphone aimed in his direction, snapping several pictures of him. When he closed his car door and looked up he did see an attractive woman and her daughter carrying their bags and walking up the path to the lodge. They both turned and smiled warmly at Zayn but with a twinkle in their eye, like they knew exactly who he was but weren't going to disturb him. He was so grateful for that. He dropped his eyes shyly but gave them a soft smile and wave in response, and then went inside the lodge to check in.

As Zayn settled into his room, he poured himself a Jack Daniels on the rocks, light on the rocks, and collpased on the bed. He opened the contacts on his phone and pressed the one at the very top-Liam. Biting his lip so hard he could almost taste blood,he tentatively typed in the message _I'm sorry Li. I love you. Please forgive me._  His finger hovered over the send button and he was going to do it-he was- but then his heart started to race and his palms got all sweaty. No. he couldn't send a text like that after what he'd done. That wouldn't be fair to Liam. Zayn saved the message to drafts and opened his itunes playlist. He was gonna make himself suffer a bit because why the fuck not? He did this and there probably was no going back. JT's Mirrors, Beyonce's XO, Frank Ocean's Thinkin' Bout You, and Usher's Burn play on shuffle. Lauv's The Other and Drake's Doing It Wrong. Even Liam's remix of Zayn's own I Won't Mind comes on-the one he made just for him that they never shared with anyone. Yeah, that one fucking hurts the most and it makes his chest feel heavy and tight, like there's a rubber band wrapped around his heart and it's ready to snap, but he's going for broke now. Downing his third glass of JD, Zayn cranks the music up louder and lets the music and emotion carry him away. Tonight was going to be rough. His first night without Liam truly by his side. He closed his eyes and hoped Allah would give him the strength to survive it. Or maybe-just maybe- find some way to fix it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam tries to knock Zayn out of his system. Sweaty, boxing Liam is assaulted with memories of him and Zayn ;)

     Liam woke up to the incessant buzzing of the alarm on his phone. It was annoyingly loud even though it was muffled by the drawer Liam had shoved it in last night. He reached over to touch Zayn-and oh yeah-fuck. For a second he could have almost forgotten or pretended that Zayn was still here. But in the harsh reality of daylight, he remembered every brutal second of his last conversation with Zayn that ended in his leaving. Rubbing his hands roughly over his face and through his hair, he climbed out of bed to shut his phone off and pulled on a pair of joggers. Liam's skin felt like it was buzzing but not in the good way. Not surprisingly he felt unsettled, ill at ease, and tense. A smoke-spliff or cigarette? A drink? Gym or studio? Sex with Zayn usually worked out all the negative energy but since that was not in the cards this morning, Liam decided on a drink and the gym.

On his way into the kitchen, his phone rang with Tommo's ringtone just as he was getting the vodka and orange juice out of the cupboard and fridge. Pest, Liam mumbled to himself. He didn't care to talk to anyone right now, but he knew Lou would just keep calling. "'Sup Tommo?" Liam said as he answered. "Morning sunshine," Louis replied back. "Just calling to see if you need any help getting set up for the barbecue tonight. You've got me and Haz down for the steaks and salad, right?" Shit, Liam thought. Barbecue. That's right. He and Zayn were hosting a barbecue party at their place to celebrate before the last leg of the tour took off.

Proper coupley thing to do and all that except he wasn't part of a proper couple now. "Um, yeah. About that. Party's off Lou. Sorry." Liam held the phone away from his ear to avoid the loud complaining he knew was bound to come.  "The fuck, Payno? Why is it off. We're not gonna get a chance to chill like this for awhile. Don't tell me you and Zayn want the night to yourselves because that.." Liam cut him off firmly, "Not even close. I'm not feeling well. Not having a party. End of. I'll see you guys in a few days when we leave for Australia. " "Liam, you sound- off. Are you ok mate? We can have the party at mine if you want," Louis tried to reassure him and Liam knew he should just tell him but he couldn't. Not yet. "Thanks, Lou but I just need to rest. I gotta go. " Liam hung up abruptly and hoped Louis would let it go and not immediately call Zayn for an explanation, like he often did. Liam poured some vodka, orange juice, and ice into a glass and downed it all at once. Damn, that shit burned but he liked the warmth that punished his throat and spread to his belly today. He hadn't drank in awhile but he felt like getting wrecked in every possible way this morning.

Liam left the booze behind for now and made his way into their home gym. He and Zayn had splurged quite a bit on this room, at Liam's request, but they both used it often. Liam cued up a playlist starting with a Kanye tune that had an angry, bass heavy beat on the laptop. Boxing. Perfect for today. Liam and Zayn both loved the physicality of boxing and the release you felt after 30 minutes or so at the bag. It wasn't something they could do often together though because almost every single time they did, the workout got cut short and they ended up fucking on the floor or up against the wall. Maybe this wasn't the best idea then- but no he needed this.

Liam chose a pair of heavy gloves because he wanted to pound the shit out of that bag today and not have a single mark on his hands to show for it. Liam stepped up to the bag, tentative at first and took a deep breath. As the bass from the music started working its way though his bones and he had jabbed a few weak shots, his rhythm started picking up. And then he punched and jabbed and weaved with all his strength. And with every hit to the bag he pictured Zayn. His Zee. Kissing him-punch. Smiling fondly at him over their breakfast table-punch. Zayn waking him up and peppering soft kisses to his bare shoulder on a cold, lazy morning in bed-punch-jab. Then- a vision of Zayn, with pupils dark and blown wide from arousal, on his knees in their shower, with his lips wrapped firmly around Liam's cock, swallowing him down so beautifully. Fuck. Punch, punch, jab and again. Liam slamming Zayn up against their bedroom wall and fucking him hard and fast because they had been apart for a week. Liam's lungs were starting to burn with exertion and his shoulders were tightening from the repetitive motions but he relished the pain. His chest was already starting to glisten with sweat. And as the music continued to throb and pulse with its heavy beat, Liam attempted to knock the memories of Zayn right out of his system. And it wasn't lost on Liam that as he kept hitting the bag, his memories switched from their softest, sweetest times to their roughest, dirtiest, times. Like when Liam carted Zayn off to the private bathroom of the VIP section in that club in Vegas and shoved him, pinned his wrists above his head and then fucked him senseless right there for ignoring him earlier in the evening. Zayn had started out cursing him but ended up saying his name like it was a prayer that night. The power they held over each other was intoxicating and Liam's head began to swim from his workout and his memories of Zayn. His punches were getting less intense and his shoulders weaker.

Zayn pushing him down on the bed during the flight to LA. Sucking and biting his nipples roughly, teasing him with a barely there blow job until he was teetering on the edge, and then flipping him and fucking him on his hands and knees so hard Liam couldn't keep quiet. He had bit his own lip in pleasure and moaned out a low but very audible "Fuckkkkk Zaynn." Which was exactly Zayn's goal. The possessive bastard knew the other guys would hear and got off on that fact, since minutes before they had all been razzing Zayn about the flirty interview lady who had slipped Liam her number. As if Liam would have fucked with her anyway, when he had Zayn. Punch, punch, whoosh.

Liam collapsed on his knees on the gym floor and waited for his breathing to calm down. He was exhausted but somehow felt even more tense than before he started. He was also hard and wanting Zayn. God, he was fucked. Liam felt like his body was betraying him somehow. Zayn had walked out on him and he couldn't even get through a round of boxing without getting turned on at the thought of them together. Sighing at the long day ahead of him, Liam, took his boxing gloves off and headed for the shower. If he couldn't fight Zayn out of his system in the gym, maybe he could wash Zayn's fingerprints off his body and heart and wash it all away.

Liam stripped off his workout clothes and stepped into his expansive shower. He turned the shower head to the strongest massage setting and cranked the hot water up as high as his skin would allow. He was still tense after boxing but damn that water felt so good on his achy muscles. The only thing that could possibly make it feel better-fuck that thought. Liam reached over to grab his body wash and was surprised at the sight of Zayn's favorite, the citrusy, spicy one they both loved, still there on the shelf. Without a second thought, he reached for it and flipped the cap open, allowing himself a deep inhale. Fuck, he was pathetic. Pathetic, yes, but also still wound up and wanting Zayn. What Liam did in the privacy of his own shower was nobody's business. And he didn't really care right now.

Liam squeezed a generous amount of the body wash into his hands and started caressing his body with it. And no, he didn't whisper Zayn's name as he smoothed the body wash over his nipples, rubbing and tugging just this side of too hard, like his boyfriend used to. But a glorious vision of Zayn, wanting and soaking wet on his knees in this shower a week ago and all the ways he had made him come undone swirled around Liam's mind. "Mmmm, " Liam groaned as his hand roamed over his trim, defined abs and down past his waist. This time a low, throaty "Zayn" murmured from his lips as he wrapped his soapy hand around his own cock. Memories of Zayn, shoved up against the shower wall while Liam fucked him roughly, Liam on his knees covering Zayn everywhere with lingering kisses, holding Zayn in his arms while they came undone together, played on a loop in Liam's mind while he stroked and fisted himself, bringing himself to the edge and chasing that high. "Zayn, Zayn," Liam whispered as he came, with the hot water streaming over him and his memories of what used to be. "Fuck," Liam mumbled with his head resting against the tile and trying to catch his breath. He was a bit less tense, but god help him if he wasn't longing even more for Zayn now and more unsettled than before. And sad. He was so damn sad. Is this what he had to look forward to now? Getting himself off to images of Zayn, while he walked away without looking back? "Fuck Zayn. Fuck you Zayn and fuck you for doing this to me, to us," Liam yelled out in frustration. He let the shower run cold and then got out and dried off. He almost-almost, wished he had never laid his eyes on Zayn Malik and sure as hell wished he had never fallen in love with him.


End file.
